
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3824740.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage, Major_Character_Death, Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      5_Seconds_of_Summer_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Luke_Hemmings/Ashton_Irwin, Michael_Clifford/Calum_Hood
  Character:
      Luke_Hemmings, Ashton_Irwin, Calum_Hood, Michael_Clifford, The_Hemmings
      Family
  Additional Tags:
      Falling_In_Love, Anxiety, Self-Destruction, Destruction, Friends_to
      Lovers, Alcohol, Drug_Use, Explicit_Sexual_Content, House_Party, First
      Kiss, Loss_of_Virginity, Loss_of_Innocence, Mental_Breakdown, Angst,
      Angst_and_Fluff_and_Smut, Romance, Dom/sub_Undertones, Self-Doubt, Love
      Confessions, Relationship(s), Implied/Referenced_Underage_Sex, Lashton_-
      Freeform, malum, Implied/Referenced_Homophobia, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering,
      Frottage, Smut, Blow_Jobs, Adrenaline, Power_Play, Underage_Smoking,
      Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, Drowning, Sad_Ending, Heavy_Angst, Heavy
      Drinking, Drinking_to_Cope, Death, Non-Consensual_Drug_Use, Suicidal
      Thoughts, Unhealthy_Relationships, Dysfunctional_Family, Neglect, Rough
      Sex, Rough_Oral_Sex, Pain_Kink
  Series:
      Part 8 of 5SOS_Song_Oneshots
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-04-27 Words: 9294
****** we all look for heaven and we put our love first ******
by merlypops
Summary
     ‘Ashton held Luke tighter, like he couldn’t get enough of him... like
     maybe Luke’s presence was addictive too, like a drug that Ashton
     couldn’t live without anymore.
     Luke liked that thought – and it was the same when he was going down
     on Ashton really. He loved being able to carefully and methodically
     tear apart the older boy’s self-control, loved that quiet sense of
     power it gave him.
     He wanted more of it.'
     A drunken kiss at a party sends Luke’s life spiralling out of control
     and Ashton is powerless to stop it.
     Based on “This Is What Makes Us Girls” by Lana Del Rey.
Notes
     This fic kind of ran away with me so it's really angsty and really
     weird and yeah okay I hope this doesn't suck.
     Fingers crossed you'll enjoy it! ♥
     Seriously though, please be careful reading this because I literally
     triggered myself writing this so.... yeah. Read with caution x
     (Also I know this is based on a Lana song but these lyrics below
     needed to be added I swear)
See the end of the work for more notes
Only love can hurt like this,
Must have been a deadly kiss.
- Only Love Can Hurt Like This, Paloma Faith
 
Luke Hemmings had never even been to a party before he met Ashton Irwin.
The anxiety Luke had developed during school was crippling but there was
something about the older boy's bright laughter and sparkling eyes that made
the ache in Luke's chest feel less raw somehow.
Just by holding Ashton's hand or having the older boy sling a muscular arm
casually around the younger boy's slim waist, Luke would feel better.
Ashton's presence had always been like that to him though, like a drug in the
best possible sense of the word because Ashton was addictive and Luke didn't
think he could live without him anymore.
Luke spent every weekend partying with Ashton now, spending all night long
wrapped safely in the older boy's arms as the alcohol made Luke's head spin and
Ashton's soft eyes glittered down at him like hazel stars.
Ashton's hands around Luke's waist were warm and comforting, an anchor that
kept Luke's breathing calm and his thoughts as steady as they could
realistically be when he was drunker than he had ever been in his life.
Luke never forgot the night when he and Ashton became more than just friends
who went to parties together though, because Luke had been drinking Pabst Blue
Ribbon on ice stolen from a schoolmate's father's beer stash when Ashton sank
down onto the sofa beside the blond boy, settling a comforting arm around the
younger boy's shoulders as the pair watched the party unfolding around them.
Luke knew he'd never forget the moment when Ashton cradled Luke's flushed face
gently in his large hands and kissed him, gently licking the taste of the
alcohol from Luke's tongue as the blond boy moaned into Ashton's mouth.
That was the younger boy's first kiss - crammed onto an old sofa with Ashton
and two other couples in the basement of a stranger's house while music pounded
through the crowded mansion - and Luke didn't regret it for even a moment.
Where Ashton was concerned, Luke didn't regret anything. 
                                       *
Ashton got a bit possessive of Luke sometimes and it wasn't even like it was a
conscious decision - Ashton couldn't help feeling jealous when people flirted
with Luke, when they hit on him when Ashton was standing right next to him.
The older boy tried not to show that it upset him though because Luke would get
anxious then and he might have a panic attack, and seeing his boyfriend gasping
for air as tears trickled down his cheeks was just about the worst thing that
Ashton could imagine.
He hated that Luke had to suffer with this, that the teachers at their school
had literally written off the pale, frightened boy sitting at the back of the
classroom because they thought he wasn't worth their time.
Ashton didn't agree with that statement one little bit though.
Luke was everything and, even if it took the older boy a millennia, Ashton knew
he would never tire of reassuring the beautiful blond boy of that, would never
stop pressing gentle kisses to Luke’s soft lips and savouring the mysterious
taste of cherries that always seemed to linger in the blond boy’s mouth.
Ashton loved Luke more than he loved anything. 
                                      * 
When Luke first befriended Calum Hood at the drama class he had started
attending at school in an effort to build his confidence, Ashton had been
jealous, and Luke had desperately tried to reassure his boyfriend in the only
way he could think of: with his kisses and his heart and his soul.
When Luke went all the way with Ashton for the first time, it felt like a
natural progression almost and it definitely wasn't a sacrifice - losing his
virginity and getting to make love to the person he adored more than anything
in the world was one of the best experiences of Luke's life. (And sure, maybe
Ashton had spilt lube all over Luke's bed because he was using so much of it in
an effort to make sure everything was as comfortable as possible but Luke
thought maybe that only added to the experience, because Ashton was so sweet
and genuinely kind that it made Luke feel the safest he'd ever been.)
When Ashton had gasped out: "I can't believe you're letting me have this" as he
sank in deep and Luke whined, flinging his head back into the pillows as his
flushed cock kicked out a spurt of pre-come across his pale stomach, it had
seemed like the simplest thing in the world for Luke to breathe: "I love you,
honey."
Luke loved giving himself to the older boy, loved falling apart as Ashton
stroked him open with his fingers and his tongue, loved being so full that it
felt like he was finally whole.
Ashton loved it too.
He thought Luke was like a doll almost, too beautiful and fragile and delicate
for such a dark world, but Ashton was always good to his boyfriend though and
Luke trusted him.
Ashton was the only one who was allowed to suck love bites into Luke's skin and
marking Luke's beautiful form with bruises turned the older boy on more than he
cared to admit.
"I love you, little bird," Ashton breathed against Luke's skin, his lips warm
and soft as they pressed fleeting kisses to Luke's chest. "So much. I love
you."
Ashton told Luke all the time and the blond boy knew he'd never forget it
because he felt the same way too.
It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. 
                                      * 
Over time, Ashton grew to like Luke’s new friend Calum too.
The dark-eyed boy was sweet and friendly, happy in the extreme until he fell
for a silver-haired boy named Michael Clifford who was still very stubbornly
straight until he wanted to fuck Calum.
It upset Luke – Ashton could see the pain in the blond boy’s eyes when Calum
showed up afterwards with bruises on his neck and tears burning as they coursed
down his cheeks – and it hurt Ashton too because, now that he wasn’t feeling
jealous, he could admit that Calum was incredibly sweet and he definitelydidn’t
deserve to be messed around like this.
It made school harder too because Michael was always lingering on the other
side of the cafeteria with his group of friends while Ashton, Luke and Calum
sat at a table alone, keeping their heads down and doing their best to fit in,
even as Calum struggled not to let his pain show on his face and Luke fought
for a calm that he didn’t feel.
Ashton squeezed Luke’s thigh gently under the table when Michael looked over
before quickly turning away again, and when Calum slumped down in his seat and
exhaled shakily, Ashton decided that he couldn’t bear to leave things the way
they were.
Michael sauntered past with his group of footballer friends then though and
Luke slipped his arm around Calum’s shoulders, holding him close. Ashton glared
at Michael’s retreating back as he left the cafeteria with his friends.
“How I hate those guys,” the curly-haired boy said vehemently and Luke’s free
hand dropped down to grip Ashton’s hand soothingly.
Calum started to cry. 
                                      * 
Luke’s love for Ashton flared in his chest like a sparkler, like petrol being
poured into flames to keep the fire scorching and bright.
His love thundered burning through his veins like adrenaline-spiked blood and
his swollen heart pounded because of it, but nothing had ever made him feel
lessanxious and Luke’s chest was heaving with emotion.
Seeing that same burning passion in Ashton’s starry hazel eyes – lidded and
dark with lust – when Luke sank down onto his knees between the older boy’s
legs was perhaps the blond boy’s very favouritething about making Ashton come.
Luke loved the little broken gasps that escaped Ashton when the blond boy
gently licked at the rosy-red head of Ashton’s cock as the older boy slumped
back in the armchair in his living room when his family were out. Luke relished
the little whines that escaped Ashton when the blond boy pulled away to mouth
at the shaft, even as he smeared his thumb over the soft skin of the tip,
letting it catch in the slit.
Luke loved how Ashton’s voice cracked when he tried to say Luke’s name, pulled
away and made the older boy whimper until Luke settled down on Ashton’s lap,
all bare skin and hot kisses as his tongue dragged against Ashton’s and Luke
pressed down over the scorching heat of Ashton’s cock.
Luke loved Ashton’s whimpers, loved murmuring: “I’ve got you, honey” as he
sucked love bites into the warm, tanned skin of Ashton’s neck, relishing the
chance to actually take charge for once.
Luke loved the sensation of Ashton working a lube-wet finger into the blond
boy’s tight hole as he clenched down, throwing his head back and moaning when
Ashton’s teeth scraped his skin.
Luke loved when Ashton stroked him open and sank in, loved the sweat beading on
their foreheads as they rocked together. Luke loved the hisses that escaped him
and the choked groans tearing out of Ashton when Luke quickened their pace,
dropping his head to bite and suck at the soft skin stretching across the older
boy’s collarbone.
Luke loved how Ashton’s hips slammed against his own as they chased their
orgasms, loved how the heat was coiling unbearably in Luke’s stomach – molten
almost – as his fingernails dug into Ashton’s shoulders.
Luke loved having to run and hide upstairs when Ashton’s parents pulled up
hoursearly in the driveway, loved the fear and the excitement and the
adrenaline burning through him.
Luke loved Ashton.
He thought he always would.
                                      * 
Calum got over Michael eventually – and the silver-haired boy was the one who
lingered in the corridors at school now, staring after Calum with longing clear
in his eyes as the dark-haired boy walked straight past him – and it just went
to show that falling in love wasn’t alwaysforever, no matter how much it felt
like the contrary at the time.
It eased something in Luke’s chest to see Calum calmer and happier now but
there was a new burning in Luke’s veins these days, that craving for adrenaline
and fear and excitement and just lifethat replaced the anxiety in his body with
something new.
It was a heady sensation, dangerous and intoxicating and exhilarating, and
sometimes it felt like maybe Luke loved that feeling more than he loved
anything.
He only got that feeling when he was with Ashton though – and even thenit was
only in certain situations – so Luke started to chase it.
He drove Ashton out into the middle of nowhere and fucked him on the backseat
of his mother’s car. He stole alcohol and drank with Ashton until his head was
spinning and the stars were hazy in the sky above them.
Luke produced a spliff one night when they were lying together and Ashton’s
hazel eyes widened as he pulled away in shock.
“What happened to you?” Ashton breathed and Luke knew what he was thinking,
knew the older boy was remembering Luke when they’d first met, back when he was
a tiny frightened blond boy with empty lungs and a dizzy head.
“I’m fixing me,” Luke whispered, his lips catching against Ashton’s gently, the
touch so light that it was barely there. Luke fished a lighter out of his
pocket and the flame illuminated his beautiful, exhaustedface as he inhaled the
smoke deeply.
“L-Luke?” Ashton murmured, his voice uncertain now even as he held Luke
tighter, like he couldn’t get enough of him... like maybe Luke’spresence was
addictive too, like a drug that Ashton couldn’t live without anymore.
Luke liked that thought – and it was the same when he was going down on Ashton
really. He loved being able to carefully and methodically tear apart the older
boy’s self-control, loved that quiet sense of powerit gave him.
He wanted more of it.
“This is what we need,” Luke murmured, breathing the sweet-smelling smoke into
Ashton’s lungs as he kissed the older boy on the side of the road in the dew-
wet grass, and Luke had complained about getting his socks wet once but he
didn’t care about the discomfort of that anymore, not when Ashton’s knees were
weakening as he leant back heavily against the car when Luke licked into his
mouth with the spliff held carefully between his fingers, even as the rain
started to fall and Luke’s quiff fell limply across his forehead.
Not when the cold made them shiver and the thunder rumbled overhead and the
lightning cleaved the sky apart.
Not even then. 
                                      * 
The summer rains came early that year, flooding the gardens and soaking the
wooden planks of Luke’s family’s veranda as he sat cross-legged on the swinging
bench, cradling a can of beer in his small, pale hands as thunder rumbled
distantly. He was dressed in an oversized navy blue jumper and his bare legs
were mottled with the cold as he tucked his bare feet beneath him, frowning a
little when his skin stuck to the damp material covering the cushions on the
chair.
The sky was a dark, murky grey and the heavy rain was a steady dripping as the
storm clouds rolled in overhead. The streetlights were just beginning to glow a
dirty yellow and, although Luke was mostly sheltered, the breeze occasionally
blew raindrops in his direction and they ran icily down his face.
“Luke?”
The blond boy looked up, sucking the black metal of his new lip-ring into his
mouth as the rain ran down his face. Calum was hesitating at the gate, leaning
on the damp wood with rain running down his face in rivulets. His dark hair was
plastered to his forehead and his eyes were red.
Calum hated storms and Luke’s eyes widened when he remembered this fact.
Something badmust have happened to make Calum leave his house in this weather.
Luke set his beer on the floor with shaking hands and opened his arms
wordlessly, and then Calum was stumbling across the wet ground and crumpling
into the younger boy’s pale arms with a sob.
Luke pulled Calum into his lap, stroked his back gently through the wet t-shirt
as he pressed soft kisses to his best friend’s forehead.
Ashton wasn’t here right now so this was down to Luke.
“What happened, Cally?” the blond boy breathed and, when he glanced down at
Calum, his eyes lingered on a bruise that had been sucked into Calum’s neck.
“You were with Michael again,” Luke guessed and it didn’t sound like a
question.
Calum shuddered and Luke held him tighter, fought to focus on Calum’s sobs
instead of the shivers running violently through his ownnarrow frame because,
if he thought about those, he might just fall apart.
“I c-can’t say n-noto him,” Calum whispered and the pounding rain almost stole
his words away but, against the odds, Luke heard him.
“Why do you think that is?” the blond boy asked and the thunder crashed
overhead again as lightning crackled menacingly in the distance.
Calum whimpered and Luke’s lips were cool as they brushed the older boy’s
cheekbone.
“Don’t be frightened, Cal,” Luke said quietly, shifting further back on the
seat so that Calum was protected from the rain too. “Focus on me instead. Just
answer the question, okay? Why do you think you can’t say no to Michael?”
Calum wriggled out of Luke’s lap, sat cross-legged across from him with his
head hanging and tears rolling down his cheeks.
Luke snagged his beer from the decking, raised it and took a sip as he kept his
blue eyes fixed on Calum. He let the alcohol linger on his tongue as he waited
for Calum to answer.
“Because I love him,” Calum breathed and his chocolate brown eyes were swimming
with tears, and Luke wanted Ashton then, wanted to be pulled into the older
boy’s lap and cradled safely there so that the anxiety he could still feel
burning in his veins even now would finally die down.
“Cally,” Luke said softly because the pain on his best friend’s face hurt to
look at. It felt like Luke was the prince in a fairytale, battling his way
through thorns as they tore at his skin, but he didn’t even noticethe blood
welling up in the cuts on his skin because there was somebody who needed saving
- heneeded saving - and he wouldn’t stop running or fighting or destroying
until that was done.
“I h-hatethis, Luke!” Calum cried, knotting his fingers into his dark curls and
choking on a sob. “I l-lovehim and we can n-never be together because he’s t-
too scared! And I h-hatehim for m-making me love him, Luke. I f-fucking
hatehim…”
Luke cupped Calum’s face gently with his small pale hands, rubbed his thumbs
gently over the bruised circles under the older boy’s eyes as Calum watched him
mournfully.
Luke’s gaze was even as he kissed Calum briefly on the cheek, wiping the dark-
haired boy’s tears away with a soft look on his face.
“Don’t cry about him, Cal,” Luke began but Calum’s expression became distressed
and the blond boy’s brows drew together in a small frown. “I said don’tcry
about him, Calum.”
When the dark-haired boy looked up at Luke in surprise, sniffing hard and
wiping his eyes with a damp sleeve, Luke’s eyes were steelyalmost and that
quiet sense of power was there again, bubbling like poison in his veins.
“Don’t cry about him,” Luke repeated, his voice soft as the storm raged on.
“It’s all gonna happen.” 
                                      * 
Ashton felt like he was losing his footing sometimes, felt like he was stranded
in a river where the current was flowing too fast. His feet weren’t planted
firmly on the ground anymore.
He was floating up in the clouds instead, reaching out desperately for
something to slow his descent but coming up short every time because there was
nothing else up here but the birds, and they’d never cared all that much about
him anyway.
The only times he felt realanymore were when Luke was holding onto him, keeping
him anchored with his cold little hands and his tear-wet cheeks and the blue
fire burning icy in his eyes.
Ashton was scared of Luke sometimes, scared of the fragile boy with the wide
gaze and the soft blond hair because he had been strong once, burning and
aliveas panic thundered through his veins, making him shudder and cry and live.
Luke wasn’t like that now.
He didn’t panic because he was always stoned or drunk, or both. His head was a
dizzying mess of anxiety and pain and lust, and the dark thoughts he was
constantly riddled with were wearing him thin.
Luke was frightening to look at nowadays with his empty blue eyes and limp
blond hair. His eyes were sunken, and his skin was pale and cold to the touch,
and Ashton still craved him, still loved the younger boy so much that it
chokedhim sometimes.
“Little bird,” Ashton breathed against Luke’s lips, drinking the blond boy in
like he was water choking the older boy’s lungs, like Ashton couldn’t get
enough of him.
It was frightening, feeling that vulnerable, but Ashton had cradled Luke safely
in his arms once, had kept the panic at bay as he kissed him soft and gentle
under the stars at house parties they didn’t belong at, and now maybe it was
Luke’sturn to take care of someone instead.
The only problem was that Ashton didn’t feel like Luke wastaking care of him.
He was looking after himself instead.
Those worries crept into Ashton’s mind slowly, when he was seconds away from
unconsciousness or was just awakening from sleep.
They coloured his thoughts when Ashton realised that Luke only cuddled Ashton
nowadays when he was cold. He only held Ashton’s hand when he was wary or
frightened. He fucked himself on Ashton’s cock without a care and he stole the
smoke straight from Ashton’s lungs when he dragged the older boy into a hungry
kiss with a spliff held between his fingers, more secure than his grip everwas
on the older boy’s hand.
Ashton thought he might have left if the agonised lovein Luke’s eyes wasn’t so
apparent to see.
The blond boy seemed to be fighting a battle and that made Ashton feel sick
because he could do his best to protect Luke from everyone else but what could
he do when Luke was tearing himselfapart?
That had never been something Ashton had considered when they were starting
out.
Looking at the desperate fear in Luke’s dull blue eyes in those moments before
they clouded over with drugs or alcohol again, Ashton thought maybe Luke hadn’t
counted on that happening either.
                                      * 
Luke was losing his grip on reality.
He realised it sometimes when he blinked and found himself somewhere new, and
it scared him just how much he didn’t careabout that.
He found new places sometimes, found himself standing in them - usually in the
dead of night - with no recollection as to how he got there in the first place.
It had happened a few weeks ago. Luke had been watching television, felt
himself getting edgy and distracted as his leg started to twitch restlessly,
and then he was balancing on the sea wall as the cold ocean waves battered
relentlessly against it, and Ashton was pleading with Luke to come back down
because it wasn’t safeup there and Luke was crying because he didn’t know what
was happening to him anymore, and he needed it to stop.
Luke stopped going to school and his family didn’t notice.
That stung but Luke felt guilt in his heart when he realised that he hadn’t
been paying them enough attention either. His parents’ marriage had always been
rocky at best but it seemed almost overnow, and Luke’s older brothers were
barely ever home.
Luke spent most of his days chasing those feelings of adrenaline because, at
least when his body was thrumming with stress and excitement as his blood raced
and his heart pounded, Luke could convince himself that the love in his heart
wasn’ttearing him painfully apart.
The only problem was that it was getting even harder to find that escape now
and Ashton was terrified. He tried so hard to keep Luke calm, tried to plead
with him and make promises he couldn’t keep, and Luke could see the fire and
the fearburning in his boyfriend’s lovely hazel eyes, and they weren’t like
stars anymore.
They were empty and afraid, and it kind of killed Luke that he’d done that to
someone he loved so much, and who loved him.
It felt like the beginning of the end. Period.
Luke didn’t think there was a way to fix this. 
                                      * 
“You can’t keep having funlike this, Luke. You’re skipping school. You’re…
you’re d-drinking… It’s not healthy. Please, just… just let me help you.”
The words were unwelcome and Luke’s anger flared defensively in his chest,
stealing the air from his lungs and setting his forehead prickling with sweat
as his anxiety overwhelmed him.
“Why do you decide to care now?” Luke demanded but his eyes were unfocused and
he wanted to be somewhere - anywhere- else. “Why do you decide that nowyou’re
going to be a mother? Where were you when I came home from drama and tried to
tell you how well I’d done in class? Where were you when I fell in love and
actually wanted to talkabout it with you? Where were you then?!”
The words burnt like acid in Luke’s throat and his stomach clenched, churning
with nausea. His fingers itched with the need to pick up a cigarette or a
bottle or something. He wanted to punch a wall or smash a glass, wanted to
fucking feelsomething.
He didn’t want this.
“Luke, your father and I… we… we haven’t been paying you enough attention and
I’m sorry, baby. I truly am,” Luke’s mum Liz said softly, brokenly. “Please,
pleaselet me start to make amends now. What happenedto you, sparrow? All of my
other birds have flown the nest and you’re the only baby I’ve got left here
now. Let me look after you. I don’t want to see you fall.”
Luke fought not to fall apart, gripped the kitchen counter tightly in his
shaking hands as tremors wracked his body.
“I… I c-can’t dothis now, mum,” Luke breathed and he needed something to
distract him now, needed it desperately. He needed more weed, needed Ashton’s
cock down his throat until Luke was choking on it, until he couldn’t think
about anything but the tears in his eyes and the desperate need to breathe as
Ashton moaned, his face morphed with pleasure as the blond boy pressed him
closer.
Luke’s breath was catching in his throat and it was scaringhim, being this
close to a panic attack again, when he had managed to avoid them for months.
“Luke -” Liz began softly but Luke’s eyes were blurry with tears now, and the
anxiety was wrapping itself around his worn-out heart and squeezing.
“I… I c-can’t,” Luke breathed, spinning on his heel and running for the back
door, and Liz’s own heart was heavy in her chest as she dropped her head into
her hands, because she could see her youngest son unravelling before her eyes
and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
Luke was gone.
                                      * 
Michael’s teeth were grazing the soft skin of Calum’s neck as his pale fingers
wrapped around the younger boy’s flushed cock, gliding smoothly up and down as
Calum whimpered, bucking his hips into the older boy’s fist.
“Baby, baby,” Michael breathed, kissing and sucking and bitingas Calum’s hips
jerked against him. They were in the younger boy’s bedroom. The silver was
fading out of Michael’s hair and his emerald eyes were glistening with tears
behind his lids that he kept locked stubbornly away as Calum fell apart.
His lips were on Michael’s and his mouth tasted like coffee and Michael’s
comeas he shuddered, and the older boy felt alive, and he hatedthat he loved
this so much.
“Making you feel good, baby?” Michael murmured, his voice rough with arousal
and fucking painas Calum’s muscles tensed further and his fingernails bit into
the pale skin of Michael’s bare shoulders, leaving crimson crescent moons
behind.
Calum let out a strangled moan in answer, kicking out a spurt of pre-come
against Michael’s stomach, even as his breath escaped him in a desperate groan,
like it wasn’t quiteenough, and Michael’s jaw was set as he wet his finger in
Calum’s mouth before he worked it into the younger boy’s hole, and the lack of
lube must have fucking hurtbecause Calum came just like that, tensing up and
stilling as his climax crashed over him like a storm.
“Gonna make this work, baby, I promise,” Michael whispered, easing his finger
out and kissing Calum through the sting. Michael’s heart ached in his chest
because loving someone he shouldn’t was the best and worst thing that had ever
happened to him.
“Let’s go out tonight, okay? Let’s go out with your friends and have fun and
tell them that we want to make this work. Let’s try, okay, Cal? Let’s try
because I don’t want to lose you again. That fucking hurtsand… and you’re the
best thing that’s ever gonna happen to me, baby. I don’t care what people think
anymore. Please.”
Calum remembered Luke’s words that night in the storm, remembered how the blond
boy had promised that everything was going to work out right, and for the first
time, Calum thought that maybe Luke was right.
“Yeah,” Calum whispered and his come was drying in pearly streaks on his
stomach, but the dark-haired boy didn’t care about any of it. “Yeah, okay.”
                                      * 
Ashton had already tentatively accepted Calum’s invite when Luke showed up, as
white as a ghost with panic-stricken eyes and terror in his veins, and Ashton
had felt his fear overwhelm him like wildfire because Luke hadn’t had a panic
attack in a long time, but Ashton could recognise one a mile off.
“Little bird, what’s wrong?” Ashton whispered, cupping Luke’s face in his large
hands and stroking the skin softly with his fingertips as Luke held the door
frame tightly, breathing hard like he’d ranall the way to Ashton’s house.
“My mother is trying to ruin my life,” Luke said unfairly, but it wasn’t
reallya lie. She didn’t like his habits, didn’t seem to realisethat they were
the only things keeping him sane anymore (probably).
“What did she say?” Ashton asked, slipping his arm around Luke’s waist and
leading him into the warmth. Luke’s jeans were ripped and there was blood on
his palms, like maybe he’d fallen on his run over. Ashton’s heart ached.
“She says I drink too much, Ash. But I don’t. I don’t.” Luke’s eyes were
burning again but they looked like they had done that night on the sea wall,
like Luke wasn’t really completely thereanymore. It felt like ice was dripping
down Ashton’s spine now and the sensation was making him shiver. “She says she
wants to look after me. Doesn’t want to see me fall.”
Luke’s expression became dark and sullen now, and his fingers were cold as they
pressed into the soft, warm skin of Ashton’s hip, exposed where his t-shirt had
ridden up.
“She doesn’t seem to realise that I’ve already fallen so far that there’s no
way back up again,” Luke muttered and Ashton choked on a sob, biting his bottom
lip hardas he pulled Luke to his chest, cradling him there.
“Don’t say that, little bird. Please.” Ashton’s words were muffled in Luke’s
neck and his eyes were stinging with tears. “I told Calum we’d go out tonight
with him and Michael but I don’t think that would be such a great idea now so…
so l-let me call him and we’ll cancel, and then we can -”
“N-no,” Luke gasped out and his eyes were still burning with tears but his
little hands were iron-tight on Ashton’s broad shoulders now as he leant down
to kiss Ashton softly. “Let’s go, Ash. Let’s go, go, go.”
Ashton was staring up at Luke with apprehension and the worry was blossoming
into something else - something darker and more frightened- but Luke didn’t
care because the night promised alcohol and weed and sex now, and that was all
he ever really wanted these days.
Ashton just stared at Luke, wondered when he’d grown so tall without him
noticing… wondered when things had changedso much… wondered when they’d
spiralled out of control -
And then Ashton remembered that night at the party, remembered the Pabst Blue
Ribbon beer, remembered the way Luke’s tongue was cold with it when Ashton
licked hesitantly into the younger boy’s mouth. Ashton remembered the cramped
sofa and the pounding bass and the darkness as Luke’s fingers threaded through
the older boy’s honey-coloured curls.
Ashton remembered those nights on the backseat of Luke’s mother’s car. He
remembered the weed and the rain and the feel of Luke’s cold lips against his.
Ashton remembered everythingand, when the older boy looked up at Luke and saw
the blond boy staring down at him with an intense painin his eyes, Ashton knew
he couldn’t say no to Luke.
He had neverbeen able to say no to him.
That was the problem.
“I guess it might be important,” Ashton finally allowed, feeling Luke relaxing
beneath his hands as he let them rest on the taller boy’s broad shoulders
gently. “If Michael’s going too, maybe they want to talk or -”
“No,” Luke said dismissively and his eyes were cloudy again now, sparkling like
the light was reflecting off of them but not quite managing to light up the
dark recesses of the younger boy’s mind. “No. We’re not going to talk. That’s
not what tonight is about.”
Ashton went upstairs with Luke to get ready but, even when they met Calum and
Michael outside the club, Ashton’s thoughts were a whirling mess of worry and
fear, and Luke’s words were spiralling round and around Ashton’s head until he
felt dizzy with it.
“I’ve already fallen so far that there’s no way back up again.”
Ashton watched Luke as they danced, tried to ignore how much Luke grinding
against him turned him on because that was what had started this whole mess in
the firstplace probably: Ashton’s stupid lust and his inability to deny himself
of Luke.
He had wrecked both of their lives with one little kiss in the darkness, and
now that brush of lips was coming back to haunt him, like chaos theory really,
and there was absolutely nothingthat Ashton could do to stop it.
Everything was already set in motion.
                                      * 
Luke was dancing on the table.
He’d thought people only did that in films but he was doing it now too and it
made him feel beautifulbecause he could feel everyone’s eyes on him, felt like
maybe he was aliveagain, in some weird way, and Luke’s anxiety was little more
than embers burning beneath his skin now, and the cherry schnapps he had been
drinking all evening was doing a truly marvellousjob of keeping his panic at
bay.
“What’s he doing?” Michael asked Ashton, his voice raised over the music, and
Ashton had to swallow past the lump in his throat when he looked at the silver-
haired boy, took in the fact that he had once wanted to punch him but was now
only curious of him, because Calum was tucked safely under Michael’s arm and
the older boy wasn’t going to let go of him for anyone, and it made Michael
look softer somehow... drained Ashton's hatred away.
“I don’t know,” Ashton confessed and Calum was frowning at the curly-haired boy
in the darkness, reading Ashton’s lips and looking upset at the words he found
there before he looked back towards Luke again.
“He looks…” Calum’s voice trailed away and he shook his head, and Michael’s
words were justsoft enough that Ashton managed to resist the urge to knock him
out.
“He looks like he’s lost it.”
Ashton’s heart seemed to skip a beat in his chest, hearing it confirmed like
that, and he knew that Michael’s words were true, felt it in his bonesthat the
silver-haired boy was telling the truth.
Ashton’s terror clawed at his heart because it was all he could see now.
Luke was burning away into nothing – like a sleek motorbike on an empty
highway, like a brand new car on the tarmac for the first time, like a rocket
roaring up into outer space on its last mission, determined to go out with a
bang.
Luke was going up, up, upand he wasn’t coming back down again.
Ashton was going to lose him.
He could feelit.
                                      * 
Luke didn’t want the night to end.
He could see the worry and the sadness and the resolveforming in Ashton’s
beautiful, agonisedeyes, and Luke knew instinctively that he didn’t want to
find out what the older boy was thinking.
Something in Luke told him to run away as fast as he could but a stronger part
of him - the side that was still anxious and frightened and hollow- kept him
holding Ashton’s warm hand tightly as the tears threatened.
Michael and Calum had long since left the club but Luke’s heart was still
pounding too-hard with adrenaline, only it wasn’t even closeto enough now.
He coaxed Ashton into a kiss, let the older boy lick the taste of cherry out of
his mouth as he stroked Ashton’s curls away from his sweaty forehead. The club
was uncomfortably warm and Ashton’s mouth was a hot, familiar slide against
Luke’s.
The blond boy whimpered at the loss when Ashton broke away, his eyes dazed and
wet, like he was trying not to cry.
“Luke -” Ashton breathed and the blond boy shook his head jerkily, pulling away
and darting through the crowd, heading for the exit. Ashton’s long fingers
wrapped gently but firmly around Luke’s wrist though, and there was no escape
now and… and maybe the scariest, most comforting bit was that Luke wasn’t even
sure he wantedto get away anymore.
He was too tired. He couldn’t keep going like this.
Ashton’s arm wrapped around Luke’s waist and then they were outside somehow,
and Luke’s head was reeling with the cold as a cool rain blew into his face on
the breeze.
“Little bird, pleasedon’t fly away,” Ashton breathed. Luke’s heart ached with
fondness and a desperate anger, and his lips were soft when they brushed the
underside of Ashton’s jaw. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’ve lost myself,” Luke whispered, drunk and hurting as his fear burnt through
him.
“Luke,” Ashton cried, distressed, and the blond boy held Ashton’s shoulders
firmly in an effort to stay upright, let one of his hands slip to the back of
Ashton’s neck before he tightened his fingers in Ashton’s curls, drawing his
boyfriend into a bruising kiss.
“One more night,” Luke breathed and his eyes were wide with stars, too far away
to be reached now. “One more time.”
“Okay,” Ashton breathed and Luke’s mouth was hot against his as he resigned
himself to this. “But then we’re getting you h-help. I want you to be safe,
little bird. Please.”
“One more night,” Luke repeated, his eyes wild now because, if he thought any
further in the future than this, there was no doubt in the blond boy's mind
that he would fall apart.
One more night.
                                      * 
They broke into one of the hotels in town, climbed over the walk drunkenly in
the darkness and fell into the gardens.
“I want to go swimming,” Luke slurred, pointing towards the pool in the hotel’s
grounds, and Ashton was shaking his head firmly, his hands closing around
Luke’s wrists like manacles, and the blond boy was crying as he thumped
uselessly at Ashton’s chest, weakwith alcohol and exhaustion.
“We’ll get arrested for trespassing, Luke,” Ashton said, his eyes darting
around the dark grounds furtively as he gave the blond boy a little shake.
“You’re too drunk. We need to go home.”
“You promised I could -”
A door opened and light flooded out into the darkness, and Ashton’s heart
shuddered in his chest, even as Luke seemed to swell up, become ten times
bigger with adrenaline and liquid courage.
“Get us while we’re hot, you fucker!” he screamed at the security guard and
Ashton’s stomach was churning as he dragged Luke away, staggering over the
uneven grass as they headed for the wall they’d climbed over again, and the
security guard was speaking urgently into his radio and Luke was heaving like
he was about to be sick, and climbing over the wall and half-draggingLuke up
behind him had never been so hard.
The rough stone grazed Ashton’s knees and elbows as he scrambled over but he
didn’t give himself a chance to stop, simply pulled Luke’s arm over his
shoulders and hauled them down the road, away from the security guard and the
threat of police.
Luke got his feet under him by the time they reached the end of the road but
his forehead was covered in a sheen of cold sweat and his skin was ashen.
Ashton pulled him into an alley when he heard sirens and the blue lights passed
by.
They illuminated Luke’s pale face and he looked insaneas a smile lit up his
features.
“Pretty,” Luke murmured, reaching out like he could touch them, and Ashton’s
eyes were burning with tears as he covered Luke’s mouth with his hand, drawing
him deeper into the shadows so that they were out of sight.
Luke bit at his palm playfully and Ashton let out a little whine as the tears
began to fall because his beautiful boy was brokenand he hadn’t been able to
save him.
“Wanna go to your house,” Luke mumbled, his words coming out muffled against
the older boy’s hand, and Ashton had barely had time to relax when Luke said:
“You have a pool. Wanna go swimming.”
“I don’t think that would be such a good idea tonight, Luke,” Ashton whispered
so that his voice wouldn’t have a chance to break.
Luke pulled away almost violentlybut he miscalculated, stumbled drunkenly into
the wall and slammed his shoulder into the stone, and Ashton heard the crunch,
felt bile rise in his throat but Luke was too far gone now and his eyes were
dark, gleaming meanalmost, and Ashton’s argument died in his mouth.
“C’mon, Ash,” Luke mumbled and his hand was squeezing Ashton’s but it wasn’t
even closeto tight enough. Ashton felt like Luke was slipping away.
He stumbled along beside his boyfriend in the darkness, wished he hadn’t drank
so much himselfbecause it was clouding his judgement now, and he knew there was
a reasonthat he didn’t want to take Luke back to his empty house but he
couldn’t remember why.
Then it filtered through the fog in his brain.
“Luke, I need to take you home. Your mum will be worried sick.”
Ashton’s words sounded funny to his own ears, thick like there was cotton wool
in his ears, and maybe Luke felt the same because he clearly wasn’t listening.
“Nearly there,” the blond boy mumbled to himself and he laughed suddenly, like
he could see something Ashton couldn’t, throwing his arms out as he gazed up at
the stars, and when he pulled Ashton into a sudden kiss, licking hotly into his
mouth, for the first time Ashton detected a slightly bitter taste on Luke’s
tongue and it fucking scaredhim because he knew Luke had left his drink
unattended and… and maybe someone had spikedit.
That would certainly explain why Luke seemed quite so devastatingly
wildtonight.
Ashton broke away, cupped Luke’s face gently in his hands and took in his
unfocused eyes and blown pupils before Luke jerked away from him, took Ashton’s
hand in his own and dragged him along the pavement, laughing and confused and
hurting.
Ashton felt sick.
“Little bird, please,” the curly-haired boy breathed, his hazel eyes mournful
beneath the velvet sky as they neared his house. “Let me take you to a
hospital. We’ll get you checked over. Make sure you’re safe, okay?”
“Later,” Luke mumbled and his words were indistinct but his eyes were still
gleaming, plastic-looking almost, like Luke wasn’t real anymore. “I wanna
swim.”
Ashton’s heart was in his throat when Luke danced away from him, the love in
his eyes utterly crushedby the pain and the fear, and Ashton knew Luke was
completely out of his control now.
All he could do was hold onto Luke’s hand and praythat the floor wouldn’t fall
through beneath their feet.
Ashton was scared they were out of luck.
                                      * 
Luke’s eyes were still shining, like lightningalmost - bright and lethal and
fading- and Ashton’s heart was pounding unevenly in his chest when he unlocked
the front door with shaking fingers.
Luke went straight through to the kitchen, crashing into the door frame as he
went and letting out a little whine, like it had really hurt his already-
bruised shoulder.
Ashton followed Luke on trembling legs, felt his heart squeeze painfully in his
chest when he saw Luke rummaging through the cupboards. There was the sound of
breaking glass when something fell but Luke didn’t even seem to noticewhen he
turned to face Ashton, smiling with his eyes half-shut like the lights in the
kitchen hurt his eyes.
He pressed a glass into Ashton’s hand, filled it with vodka and did the same to
his own. Ashton choked on a sob, his hazel eyes pleading because Luke looked
like a strong wind would knock him over now, and Luke cupped Ashton’s jaw
gently, his fingers rubbing soothing patterns into the skin there as the blond
boy swayed.
“Come on,” Luke breathed, kissing Ashton so lightly that the bitterness was
undetectable. “Come on, take a shot.”
Ashton had never been able to say no to Luke.
This time was no different.
                                      * 
The alcohol burnt running down Luke’s throat.
Ashton was cryingas he drank his own and Luke thought it looked like the stars
in his eyes were boiling over, trickling down his cheeks to fall trembling from
his jaw onto the cold stone tiles beneath their feet.
Luke’s love was a hard little knot in his chest, raw and painful, like someone
had rubbed his heart with sandpaper, and Luke knew instinctively that holding
Ashton’s hand wasn’t going to be enough to save him anymore.
Maybe nothingwas and that thought didn’t scare Luke enough.
He just wanted everything to be over now, wanted it to stop hurting...
Wanted to go swimming.
“C’mon,” the blond boy murmured, smearing handprints across the clean glass of
Ashton’s back door before he managed to get it open and the cold night air left
his head reeling.
He could hear sirens distantly but the stars and the gentle lap of the water in
the swimming pool were of more interest to Luke.
He stripped his shirt off, shivered even as the alcohol in his veins made his
bloodboil, and it was better than adrenaline - a thousandtimes better - even if
Ashton wasstaring at him with so much fear that the older boy hurt to look at.
Luke looked away, formed a fist and swung it through the cold air, pictured a
sword clasped tightly in leather gloves as he swiped at thorns, cutting a way
through the labyrinth. Luke could see the sword almost, could see the moonlight
reflecting off of it as it trailed sparks through the night air, and goosebumps
were erupting on Luke’s pale skin now but he was swinging the sword again, and
then the shot glass was shattering against the concrete and Luke’s hazy blue
eyes were locked on it, unfocused as he watched the shards of glass glittering
like diamonds on the flagstones that edged Ashton’s family’s swimming pool.
Luke took a step towards the water and the high-pitched yelp that escaped him
shocked him until he realised there was a jagged piece of glass embedded in his
foot.
“Lukey, no,” Ashton half-sobbed, reaching for the blond boy with tears shining
in his eyes. Luke stared at him, took in the fear and the panic and the sheer
fucking desperationin his boyfriend’s eyes and, suddenly, Luke could barely
swallow past the lump in his throat.
“I love you, honey,” Luke tried to say but his words came out garbled and his
eyes widened with panic as bitterness welled up in his mouth and he didn’t know
what was wrongwith him but his foot was burning with pain and his stomach was
tying itself in knots and the stars were spinning overhead and Ashton was
staring at him in appalled silence and… and Luke was lost.
He could see that now, realised that it had been the truth ever since that
night he had first metAshton… but he’d been on the road to ruin for a lot
longer than that and this definitely wasn’tAshton’s fault.
The older boy was just the catalyst, the beautiful bright-eyed boy who had sped
up Luke’s descent as he fell… the wonderful boy who Luke had done his best to
suck the life out of.
“Ashy, I’m s-sorry,” Luke choked out but his chest felt tight with panic now
and his breath was coming in gasps, and Ashton opened his arms again - and he
was trembling so violently that his whole frame shookwith it - but when Luke
took a desperate step towards him, agonising pain seared through his foot and
Luke let out a sob, stumbling as the stars dried on his cheeks -
And then the blond boy fell.
                                      * 
Ashton watched in horror as everything suddenly became crystal clear.
Luke’s head cracked against the cold flagstones and he had fallen into the pool
before Ashton could grab him. The blond boy didn’t thrash when he hit the water
- he simply sank like a stone.
Luke’s skin burnt like knives when the icy water bit at him, thought briefly of
Ashton, and of Calum and even Michael, realised that they were the only
realfriends he’d ever had in the moments before the cold water closed over his
head.
Ashton was frozen with terror but bile rose in his throat when he saw blood
spreading through the water like grotesque roses. Luke’s body was limp beneath
the water, distorted as the moonlight rippled on the surface, and Ashton was
shaking and his knees felt weak and his head was spinning but he still threw
himself into the water too.
Luke’s panic was crippling him and everything was silent, and it was the single
loneliest feeling in the world. Luke’s grazed hands were stretched out above
him as he sank, like he was reaching for something that wasn’t there, and there
was nosword in his grip now.
There was nothing, only the paralysing panic, and his gasping lungs were
filling with icy water when his back hit the bottom of the pool, and Luke was
choking, drowning, dying -
And then he was gone.
                                      * 
Ashton couldn’t breathe.
Luke was a deadweight in his arms, icy and bloated and pale. His lips were
blue, the black metal of the lip-ring in stark contrast to his skin. Ashton had
held Luke’s hand when he got the piercing. Luke had almost cried.
The blond boy wasn’t crying now though.
He was still, utterly motionless beneath the starry sky, and Ashton thought it
should be raining, thought there should be thunder and lightning and fucking
hurricanesso that the weather went some small way to reflecting how he felt
inside.
Luke lay limply on the cold flagstones, shirtless and so white that he looked
like he was made of stars. His chest wasn’t rising or falling. It was flat,
like the surface of the pool now that the ripples had slowed.
Ashton cradled his boyfriend’s head gently in his large hand but his damp palm
came away slick with blood, the dark red swirling in the water that lingered on
Ashton’s hand.
The older boy - the onlyboy - choked and it was halfway between a sob and a
scream as Luke lay dead in front of him, stretched out on the ground, too far
away for Ashton to reach now.
“I love you, little bird,” Ashton breathed out, his trembling fingers clumsy on
Luke’s beautiful, delicate face as the cold water dripped from Ashton’s curls,
running down his face into his glazed, desperate eyes.
“Please,” Ashton croaked and the tears gleaming in his eyes were boiling on his
cold cheeks as Luke’s blood spread out on the floor around them, darkening the
pale flagstones as Luke’s golden hair fell like a halo around his broken head.
“P-please, little bird. W-wake up. P-pleasewake up.”
Luke’s eyes were still open and maybe that was the bit that hurt Ashton the
most, because they weren’t gleaming mean orloving anymore.
They weren’t gleaming at all.
They were empty...  just like Ashton.
                                      * 
The curly-haired man always loved the summer rains the most.
He loved the lightning storms and the rumbling thunder and raindrops the size
of bullets.
He loved the taste of Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice, loved the smell of weed even
though he shouldn’t. He liked those few seconds after he woke up from a dream
before he remembered.
Ashton hatedcherry schnapps and the smell of chlorine. It made bile rise in his
throat, made his breath catch like Luke’shad once, but those thoughts proved
too painful to follow, even yearslater.
Ashton privately didn’t think he would everget over it but that was okay. That
was expected, kind of.
Someone like Luke wasn’t easy to forget.
Ashton remembered the feeling of Luke in his arms, thought back to a time when
the blond boy was smallerthan him, cradled safe to the older boy’s chest as he
smiled nervously up at Ashton with rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes and kiss-
bitten lips.
Ashton’s heart still ached in his chest half a decade later and, sometimes,
remembering the way Luke’s golden eyelashes brushed his cheeks as he smiled
shyly… well, it burnt Ashton as hot as their very first kiss had.
The stretch of highway that Ashton had stopped on was bleak. A grey mountain
stretched up into the white blanket of clouds overhead and a light drizzle fell
onto the tarmac. It was a misty day and the branches of a nearby pine tree
swayed as a crow took off from it.
Ashton’s hazel eyes were fixed on the bird as it flew away, soaring and
circling and screaming into the bright, vast, emptysky.
Ashton inhaled thinly around his cigarette, frowning after the bird as the
smoke coiled up into the clean fresh air, poisoning it.
“Oh, little bird,” Ashton murmured as the rain ran down his tanned face like
tears. He took another drag of the cigarette and his phone chimed in the pocket
of his torn skinny jeans. Upon inspection, Ashton discovered a text from
Michael asking when he was going to come and visit him and Calum again.
Ashton slipped his phone back into his pocket, looked around and wondered why
it didn’t hurtso much visiting this spot in the daylight. He remembered Luke’s
cloudy blue eyes, remembered him whispering: “I’m fixing me” as he stood in the
very same spot.
Ashton wondered where Luke was now.
He wondered if Liz would ever get over losing her son, wondered if Andrew had
settled down anywhere yet. Ashton wondered if Luke’s brothers Jack and Ben were
okay, wondered why Calum and Michael stilltried to contact Ashton after that
direful night all those years ago.
Ashton still wanted Luke so much that it hurt, still craved the blond boy like
the deadliest type of drug, addictive and deadly and perfectlyagonising.
Maybe one day Ashton would follow Luke but… but not today.
The curly-haired man threw his head back, stared up at the cloudy sky as it
pressed down on him. The crow was still wheeling in the air, screaming at the
sun burning dimly through the thick layer of grey clouds as its beady eyes
gleamed with something like tears.
“Little bird,” Ashton repeated heavily, his heart cold and still in his chest,
and when the crow soared down low over him - so close that its inky black
feathers brushed the older man’s curls when he ducked warily - Ashton realised
that maybe Luke wasn’tas far away as he had once imagined.
The lonely man stamped out the cigarette beneath his foot, his bag heavy on his
back and his heart even heavier in his chest.
When Ashton started to walk down the highway once more, the crow flew on ahead,
showing Ashton the way almost, and when the curly-haired man looked up at the
little bird as it soared along overhead, he caught the faintest hint of
cherries on the breeze.
End Notes
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